My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
