Swine flu. Run for my life!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
