he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
