her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
