I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
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something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
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Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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