i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
