Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he shaved USA in his pubs
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
