Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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