I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
