so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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