Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
