You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
