I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
