new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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