people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
