At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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