My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
