I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
