Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
