i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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