I'll bet she douches with gravy.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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