i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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