i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
