You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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