all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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