talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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