New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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