I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
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whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
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Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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