Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You ruined the universe
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
