he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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