I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
