You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Randomize
