This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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