Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize