i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
