6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
