i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
