What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
