Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
