I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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