How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
