FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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