I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
