The maid of honor just puked.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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