haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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