I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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