When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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