I'm going to rape someone's good day.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
