Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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