Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
