All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
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I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
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At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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