Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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