He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
