sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
