dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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