It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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