just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
