Capitaan dildo arrescate!
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
